Wanted Sexy and Alive
by Persiana13
Summary: In order to resolve the issue of who will be dating Simon Williams, Persiana decides to take matter into her own hands, and drags everyone else into it. Hilarity ensues! One Shot. Takes place in the DC Persiana-verse. Prelude to Crimes of Passion


**Wanted: Sexy and Alive!**

_Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to DC or Marvel. I own Farrah/Persiana and Lance/Diablos._

One Shot

**Aboard the Watchtower…**

A black-haired woman dressed in a scandalous tuxedo and fishnets roared,

"SIMON BELONGS TO ME!"

An African American woman dressed in a tan body suit with an animal pendant shouted back,

"FORGET IT, ZATANNA! HE'S MY MAN!!

A blonde haired teen wearing a costume similar to Superman's whined,

"SIMON LOVES ME, VIXEN! I SAW HIM FIRST!!!

A dark skinned woman dressed like a gypsy screeched,

"FORGET IT, SUPERGIRL! YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR A MAN LIKE HIM!"

Zatanna slapped Gypsy, causing a cat-fight to break out between the four of them.

Wonder Woman rolled her eyes,

"I just don't get why women are fighting over men like this. Simon is only a man."

"You still don't get it, Diana."

Farrah walked up to her, along with her friend Tigra. The were-felines were walking and talking when they saw the ruckus. The lioness smirked,

"Princess, you've been in Man's World for how long and you still don't understand the concept of women swooning after a man."

Diana looked at her friend,

"Sister, I am an Amazon warrior. I do not throw myself in front of a man to seduce him. It is undignified."

Farrah grinned,

"What about that time you dressed up for Batman?" (1)

The Amazon warrior shook her head,

"You talked me into that! I can't believe I sank that low to please a man!"

The tigress rolled her eyes,

"And I am glad I'm not a feminist anymore. They don't know how to have fun!"

The Amazon princess shot her a withering glare and shook her head,

"I know how to have fun."

Farrah teased,

"Then, why aren't you and Batman in bed right now?"

Diana rolled her eyes,

"Sex is not having fun."

The felines looked at each other and laughed. Tigra shook her head,

"For felines, it is."

The lioness looked at the situation unfold in front of her,

"All four of them fighting for Simon Williams' affection. Huh, it could be worse."

The tigress nodded,

"Yeah, those women could be after Lance."

Farrah frowned,

"They'd all be dead if that were the case."

Wonder Woman sighed,

"How are we going to get those four women to stop acting like children?"

The white-haired heroine tapped her chin in thought for a few moments before an evil smile graced her lips. Tigra covered her eyes,

"I don't even want to know what you are thinking. I just want no part of it."

The Amazon princess asked,

"Sister, why are you smiling?"

Farrah looked at her friend,

"Come with me."  
She led her off. Tigra looked back at the brawling women and sighed,

"Poor, poor Simon. I truly do feel sorry for him."

**Later…**

Farrah grinned,

"Well, what do you think?"  
Wonder Woman looked at the set,

"What is this?"  
The entire simulator room had been reconfigured to a set on a game show. It featured a contestant on one side, and, behind several isolated booths, were normally three seats, but Farrah added a fourth. The entire studio was also decked out in early 70s game show decorations. Diana blinked,

"Are you sure this is going to work?"

With her was Donna, the heroine Wonder Girl, and one of Farrah's friends. Donna tapped her chin in thought,

"What is the point to all of this?"  
Farrah explained,

"I was watching reruns of old game shows and heard about this one in particular. It's a game where a guy or a girl picks someone else to go on a date with. Then, on the next show, they explain how and what they did on the date. I figure, let's apply the principle to Simon and the women."  
Diana looked at Farrah,

"You do realize this is nuts, right?"

The lioness shrugged,

"I don't see you coming up with any ideas. It was either this, or I'd take an idea from Green Arrow."  
Donna asked,

"Which was?"

"They Jell-o wrestle in bikinis."

The older Amazon princess rolled her eyes,

"Typical man."

Farrah rubbed her chin,

"Now, all we need is a host. Someone that can really deliver and someone that the audience can actually appreciate and like."

At that moment, Lance Marlo, the hero Diablos, walked in. He said,

"Uh, why is the simulator looked like a passé game show from the seventies?"

Farrah looked to the ceiling,

"Thank you, God!"  
She eyes him seductively,

"Oh, Lance. I was wondering if you could do me a favor…"

**20 minutes, some threats, pleas, and a promise of sex later…**

Diablos, dressed in a tuxedo with a red tie, groaned,

"How did I get into this mess?"  
Miss Marvel called out from the audience,

"You're dating Farrah. How do you think?"

Farrah shouted from backstage,

"Shut up, Barbie!"

She then poked her head out of the curtain, playfully purring,

"The questions are all set."

Lance took the index cards from his furry girlfriend and read through them. His eyes widened when he said,

"You do realize some of their responses may cause trauma to our viewers, right?"  
Farrah shrugged,

"I want them to be honest as possible. Besides, it's not like we're actually broadcasting this on the web, right?"

The red-eyed hero sighed heavily and thought,

_Please tell me this is a bad dream that I can wake up from. Please! _

The theme song played and Diablos, clearing his throat, said,

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the newest game show ever to hit the air waves; Wanted: Sexy and Alive…"

He turned to Farrah,

"Where did you come up with the name?"

Farrah shouted,

"Keep going! You're ruining the show!

Lance sighed and continued,

"Tonight, we have a real treat for all you ladies out there. Live, in our studios today is the famed actor and scientist, Simon Williams, WONDER MAN!"

Simon was sitting in a high director's chair, looking very nervous. He said,

"Uh, is this a good idea, Farrah?"  
The lioness poked her head from behind the curtain,

"Trust me, this'll work."

Diablos sighed and continued on,

"Now, tonight, we brought in four lovely ladies that have an…attraction to Simon."

Bachlorette number 1 squealed,

"Hi, Simon. Make babies with me."

Bachlorette number 2 shrieked,

"SIMON'S MAKING BABIES WITH ME!"

Bachlorette number 3 roared,

"I'M THE PERFECT WOMAN TO MAKE BABIES WITH!"

Bachlorette number 4 scoffed,

"Yeah, right! I'm perfect for Simon."

Farrah pulled back a curtain, screaming,

"KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW!"

Diablos groaned,

"This is going to be a long show."  
Farrah scowled,

"It's getting long enough. Quit bitching and get to it! Don't make me grab my ruler!"

The red-eyed hero sighed and attempted to get through this mockery of a game show. He looked to Simon,

"So, Simon. Tell us a little bit about yourself."

Simon cleared his throat and explained,

"Well, I'm a former Avenger and now part of the Justice League. I used to be a scientist competing with Tony Stark's company manufacturing equipment, but I had to embezzle from my own company to stay afloat."

Bachlorette number 1 was horrified,

"My poor baby's a thief?"

She then perked,

"Cool! That means he knows a lot about handcuffs!"

Everyone in the audience blinked at that. Bachlorette number 2 scoffed,

"Handcuffs? Please. I'd use chains and locks!"

Bachlorette number 3 cackled,

"I'd use my body!"  
Lance covered his face with his hands,

"Someone shoot me."  
Farrah poked her head out of the curtain,

"I think that's a great idea, tying a man up with nothing but your body. I happen to have the flexibility for it. Hey, Lance, if you want to find out, just come back here when we have a commercial."

Miss Marvel shook her head,

"Farrah is totally shameless."

The lioness shouted,

"Up yours, Barbie Bitch!"

**Ten minutes and a cat-fight later…**

Diablos was sitting in a director's chair, looking up at the ceiling. He moaned,

"Farrah, this is one of the most idiotic ideas you have ever come up with!"

The lioness pouted,

"I thought you were my boyfriend. You're supposed to be supportive of me and my ideas!"

She buried her face in her hands, crying. Lance sighed and shook his head,

"Farrah, I didn't mean it like that."  
He approached her and held her,

"Sweetie, I didn't mean to hurt you."  
Farrah talked back,

"Yes, you did. You're mean!"

The red-eyed hero sighed,

"Farrah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I think the show's a great idea and-."

Farrah kissed him on the cheek and cackled,

"Thanks, honey. I knew you'd like it."  
She skipped merrily off the stage.

Tigra, from the audience, smirked,

"Farrah will never get mad at him ever. She loves to mess with him."

Diablos sighed and walked up to Wonder Man,

"OK, Simon. I have a list of questions here that you can ask each of the bachlorettes in any order you want."

Bachlorette number 1 squealed,

"Me first! Me first!"

Wonder Man looked at the cards and asked the first question,

"Bachlorette number 1, what is your idea of the perfect date?"  
Bachlorette number 1 responded,

"Lots and lots of sex. To hell with dinner!"

Simon blinked at that,

"O-K. Bachlorette number 2, what is your idea of the perfect date?"

Bachlorette number 2 grinned,

"Well, it's going to be the most magical evening. Dinner, dancing…and lots of sex!"  
Lance looked to the audience,

"I'm beginning to notice a pattern here."

Farrah shouted,

"Shut up!"

Simon tugged on his collar and continued,

"Bachlorette number 3, what is your idea of the perfect date?"

Bachlorette number 3 answered,

"Well, I'm the type of gal that would stay in for a date. Rent a movie, order take out. Then, we'd watch a steamy romance to get in the mood. Finally, we'd hit the bedroom, and I would show you things I could do with my body you can never, ever imagine any other woman doing."  
Lance looked to the audience again,

"I take it you can figure out who is bachlorette number 3, right?"  
Farrah came from backstage,

"Lance, if you don't treat this with the utmost seriousness it deserves, I can find a new host!"

Lance shuddered,

"All right, all right. Calm down, Farrah."

Miss Marvel rolled her eyes,

"Forget it, Lance. This train wreck already happened."  
Farrah glared at the Air Force Major and roared,

"Die!"

A cat fight broke out in the audience. Several people were cheering the fight on.

While that was going on, Supergirl snuck onto the stage and behind Wonder Man. The Maiden of Might grabbed him, but it was not without protest,

"Supergirl, put me down right now!"

The other women heard this plea for help and, ruining the set, charged at Supergirl, attempting to take Wonder Man for herself.

Diablos rolled his eyes,

"Why am I even doing this anymore? Why?"

**Twenty minutes, and two catfights later…**

Diablos adjusted his bow tie and looked on the 'stage'. The four bachlorettes were now behind the screens again, this time bound to the chair. Wonder Man was back in his chair, trying to stay in it while at the same time trying to get as much distance as he could from the other women. Farrah and Miss Marvel had to be forcedly separated; otherwise, they would kill each other. After a few moments, of silence, Diablos tried again,

"All right. Let's continue."

Bachlorette number 4 smiled,

"My ideal date is being in Paris. We'd wine, and dine, and then, walk the streets, me holding onto your big, beautiful body…"

Diablos tried to interrupt,

"Uh, I think we get the idea."  
Bachlorette number 4 continued,

"So muscular and strong, I'd want to rip that shirt off and…I can't take it any more! I have to have you, Simon!"

Bachlorette number 2 scoffed,

"Forget it; you're not having him, because Simon's having me!"

Bachlorette number 3 shouted,

"Simon wants me! There is no way in hell any of you other ladies are going to have him, because he wants ME!"

The demonic inspired hero shook his head,

"All right. Now, let's go to the next question."  
Simon looked at the index cards and asked,

"Bachlorette number 1, what type of woman would you say you are?"

Bachlorette number 1 responded,

"Fast and furious."  
Diablos muttered,

"She's got the furious part right."

Bachlorette number 1 shouted,

"I heard that!"

Simon shook his head and continued,

"All right, then. Bachlorette number 2?"  
Bachlorette number 2 giggled,

"Magical and fantastic. I can make any fantasy you want come true…from the most erotic, to the most playful."

Everyone blinked at that. Simon tugged on his shirt collar,

"Uh, right. Let's go to Bachlorette number 3. What type of woman would you say you are?"

Bachlorette number 3 purred,

"That depends. I can be as strong, or as supple, as you want me to be. Just take me, and do whatever you want to me."

Miss Marvel rolled her eyes,

"Gee, I thought Farrah wasn't even in this competition."

Farrah poked her head out from the curtain,

"Hey! Don't make me tell them you slept with Simon!"

At this, all four women pounded down the set, glaring at Miss Marvel. Gypsy was wide-eyed as she screeched,

"You slept with my Simon! He's got your germs all over him?"

Vixen touched her medallion and took the power of a rhino,

"GET THE BARBIE BITCH!"  
All four women tackled the Air Force Major, a cat-fight breaking out. Wonder Man took this time and escaped out the back. Diablos sat down in the director's chair and looked at the camera,

"And thus ends the first episode of Wanted: Sexy and Alive! Please pick up whatever sanity you have left and leave. This show will never be featured again."

Tigra walked up to Farrah, carefully going around the brawling women,

"Well, this plan was a complete disaster."

The lioness shrugged,

"Oh, well. Wanna help me break them up?"  
The tigress looked at her 'sister',

"How do you plan to do that?"  
Persiana grinned,

"Watch."

She cleared her throat and shouted,

"Hey, ladies. Simon went that way!"

She pointed to the direction Simon had exited from, or was about to exit. The ionic Avenger groaned,

"Farrah, don't do this to me."  
Vixen jumped up, taking the power of a cheetah. She saddled up to him and grinned,

"Hi, handsome."

She picked him up and bolted with Gypsy, Zatanna, and Supergirl in hot pursuit.

Farrah smirked,

"Well, they aren't fighting now."

Miss Marvel stood up, a mess. She shouted,

"You little bitch! DIE!"

She went to tackled Persiana, but the white-haired acrobat dodged and sprinted on all fours out, cackling maniacally as she did. Diablos and Tigra both looked at each other. To them, this was normal behavior for the lioness and her blonde nemesis.

End of Wanted: Sexy and Alive.

(1) Read Love in the Shadows for details


End file.
